Things have been super busy around here: My mom and sister, Kris and I have all moved into a new house together, which is wonderful, but insanely hectic. The place is gorgeous and so much more comfortable than where we were. So a lot of our time has been spent packing and unpacking and settling and Putting Things Away.
The thing that I have been coming up against, though, is that now that things are settling and I have the ability to buy the things we need for the wedding and everything is finally Okay To Go, I feel a little frozen. It's a little terrifying to actually go out and buy all these things that we've been brainstorming and bargain-hunting and day-dreaming and planning about. Part of me keeps thinking, "But this is so frivolous," and then there's the other part saying, "But this is your WEDDING. It's okay."
And I often wrestle with which one to listen to.
This freeze feeling has been giving me nightmares: Kris and I wake up to see that it's October 17th and we still haven't done anything further! I have ruined things by putting it off too much- the Freeze has ruined it and it's all my fault! We still haven't gotten the catering lined up! We arrive and our guests demand cake and we just don't have it! Oh the drama! The damage that Lack Of Cake causes!
But then I wake up and see her sleeping next to me, and I think of all the people we love who will be there, and I remember that it doesn't really matter. (What the heck, sleep-brain? Get over it.)
I think what it comes down to is that this is maybe frivolous because it's not the bare essentials, but the things Kris and I are looking at and, well, attempting to get up the guts to buy, will make us happy, and hopefully, make our guests (read: family, read: friends, read: love) happy, too. It's not like we're looking at lavish chandeliers and caviar and $80/bottle wine. (Not that there's anything wrong with that if it's what you want and it's in your budget and it's right for you- it's just not US.) But I've gotten so used to being terribly thrifty that it feels odd, not to mention scary, to actually click that "check out" button on Etsy for a fascinator (I did, by the way, and now Kris has the most gorgeous cluster of feathers for her hair. It was worth it, by far, and it feels good to know we're supporting a fellow artist with the purchase) or to bring those centerpiece details to the check out counter (I started that too, after much hemming and hawing and anxiety and now we have a lovely [if tiny thus far- baby steps, after all] pile of decorations started in the corner of our room, and I don't regret it one bit- they're perfect).
In the meantime, I've been trying to re-see the stuff we already have, and that's been helping a lot too. I mean, the stuff we have to buy new we've been trying to buy from small businesses and independent artsists, and from as organic and green vendors as possible within our budget. And that's great. But it's even nicer to realize that we have things that just need a little altering to make them go from great to perfect. And that's a great feeling.
For instance, when we were unpacking into the new house, my mom found a couple of beautiful old area rugs from Romania (they were my father's) that, with a little cleaning, would make a perfect dance floor. I had toyed with the idea of throw rugs on the grass as an interesting image, especially with the steampunk theme and the Victorian atmosphere, but rugs are so expensive that I chalked it up to a nice idea and just that. But it was such a great feeling to realize it was right under my nose, once I got my nose out of the Wedding Industry and back into my Life.
I think there's so much hype around the wedding industry to BUY BUY BUY and everything has to be NEW NEW NEW and BLING and Perfect with a capital P. And, never having planned something like this before, it's easy to get convinced and sucked in and that's where I start to feel all icky and uncomfortable. It stops feeling like us, and starts feeling like what they want us to be. But then things like finding that rug happen. And it feels good to know that we're re-using and re-seeing and re-inventing, and when we can't, Kris and I are supporting other independent artists like us.
And the most important thing, in the end, is the woman I'll be standing there with, and the people and the community we'll be surrounded by and the love that'll infuse the whole event. So, in the end, if those centerpieces aren't Perfect, well then. That's okay.